I was teaching recently in a Columbia University Executive Program and I asked a room full of executives how many of them had ever woken up from sleep and realized that they had been dreaming. Everyone without exception raised their hand. Then I asked them if they themselves had been in the dream. Again every hand went up.
This points out a universal aspect of human nature. Every one of us has an innate capacity for language and making up stories. We also have an innate capacity for making up stories about ourselves. Psychologists call this story that we make up about ourselves our “identity.” Like most stores, some of what is in our plot is accurate and true and other parts are convenient fabrications. If you ever want to see an example of this watch with a careful eye the PBS show Finding Your Roots.
But perhaps more interesting that our identities are the stories we carry that explain the world to ourselves. I call these stories our belief systems. These beliefs are the tapes that we have inside our heads that control our behavior to some degree. These tapes are produced as we grow up and correspond to deep experiences that have imprinted us. For all of us, these tapes shape our behavior and for most of us, the stories are not conscious. Meaning, we are not aware of what these tapes are or how much they are blocking, shaping or controlling how we live.
In my coaching work, we do various exercises (free association prompts, lifeline chart) to surface these belief systems and explore how they help and how they hurt people in choosing behaviors that will lead to the best outcomes. Here are two examples. An executive whose leadership was inhibited gained the tremendous insight that his micromanagement and perfectionism came from the tape that was imprinted in him that failure was dangerous. After our exercises and discussion he realized that this tape was imprinted on him because his Dad had mental health issues and he had made up a story that led him to believe that if he was not perfect, his Dad would end up in the hospital again. He realized that this made him a careful manager but not a very empowering leader who challenged his best performers. Being aware of this tape helped him take more risk and empower his best people.
A woman executive told us about how her father had put her in extremely challenging situations as a young child, like trying out for teams far beyond her ability. If she complained he told her she was whining. What tape do you think this developed in her? She never asked for help. She had a deeply held belief that she was on her own and that success or failure was only in her hands. Her weakness was that when challenges were too big, she failed because she never marshaled the right support to win.
All of us have belief systems which are the stories we have internalized to help us succeed and be safe. Perhaps it’s “only trust the family” or “never quit” or “you can never work too hard.” Whatever tapes you have, they help you in some situations and hurt you in others. Part of growth and development is to gain insight into what these tapes are and in what situations they are helping and when they are hurting you because they lead you to behaviors that increase problems.
The self-aware person understands their stories and makes sure that the ones that are self-limiting do not operate in key situations. While we can all be trapped by our beliefs, taking responsibility for which beliefs we allow to operate in the various scenes of our lives can also liberate us.
Anonymous
7 Jul 2020It’s interesting how it seems that certain tendencies can be strengths in “regular” roles and weaknesses in leadership roles. Being a perfectionist and wanting to have total control over all the work you are responsible for, so that you can ensure the highest quality, seem to become burdensome tendencies as a leader (which I have had to to grapple with as a manager of a five-person team). These tendencies, among others, at times make me fell ill-suited to being a leader. Certainly not everyone is meant to/will be a leader, so how do you know when it’s too much to try and manipulate these tendencies in an effort to become a leader, and when you should just find a role more suited to your authentic self?
Margaret
8 Jul 2020I agree that deeply ingrained mindsets and perceptions formed in childhood impact how we socialize with others in adulthood. I would be curious what the mental work actually looks like for someone to 1. recognize unproductive beliefs from childhood and 2. address them by actively replacing them with more productive beliefs. For example, what mental work or questions does an introverted only child have to ask themselves about how they can be most comfortable with (and ultimately, grow to lead) large groups of people ?
admin
9 Jul 2020we will do that
Margaret Mary
9 Jul 2020That would be great.. specifically the mental work to overcome a deeply rooted fear of public speaking. I would love to discuss that! I feel there are stores we continue to tell ourselves and we assign ourselves this fear
Cristian
9 Jul 2020I wonder if there is a correlation between the belief system and our values and how we can unpack this correlation to uncover at a deep level our self and become more self-aware with our conscious and unconscious information.
admin
9 Jul 2020great question. We can only integrate and achieve integrity between our beliefs and our values when we are conscious of both. So we have to explore and raise to the surface both and then wrestle with them as we make choices to live with integrity
Marissa
9 Jul 2020I would be curious to know if people can have multiple belief systems and if those belief systems can contradict one another? Maybe that could help in challenging situations. In the example of the woman who doesn’t ask for help, what if she had a contradictory belief system around efficiency? By not only unpacking our most dominant belief system (independence), but also our secondary belief systems, we can stop them from holding us back. The woman could approach a situation in which she normally wouldn’t ask for help and instead turn to her interest in efficiency – is asking for help the most efficient way to solve this problem?
admin
9 Jul 2020you are clearly understanding these ideas at a deeper level..wow
William
9 Jul 2020It’s important to know what drives us to make decisions but often it’s hard to spot in the moment. I am working on being more aware in stressful situations.
admin
9 Jul 2020key skill – mindfullness
Paul
9 Jul 2020In my experience this self-awareness becomes easier to recognize with more years of experience in the workplace. Now, in my 30s and having held multiple positions, I can recognize how my own upbringing leads to certain behaviors at work, some of which are helpful and others which can be harmful. Observing the same pattern in different positions made this more obvious, and upon recognizing this I can begin working on it.
admin
9 Jul 2020good for you…wouldn’t it be great if we could accelerate this process for people and avoid excessive trial and error
Hayley
9 Jul 2020I believe that people should take time to reflect on their past experiences and understand our ingrained beliefs. Our beliefs make up our identity. While our beliefs can help us to succeed, they can also hinder our ability to succeed. Sometimes we might not know that we have these beliefs. Self-reflection can help you better understand yourself.
Nicholas
9 Jul 2020I thought it was interesting to mention how belief systems we carry can help or hurt us. It takes a bit of self reflection I’m realizing to realize when sticking to your guns can keep you on your personal mission or distract you from what is really at the forefront.
Jay
9 Jul 2020I can definitely relate to this as someone who is often stubborn is various scenarios, likely stemming from my programmed belief system. It’s an interesting discussion in nature vs nurture when determining what actually makes up our belief systems.
Holly
9 Jul 2020How do you reveal to yourself what your tapes are? Is this part of the self awareness process? Or rather, is your reaction to your discovery of a certain tape the way that you become self aware?
admin
10 Jul 2020you engage in various exercises that force you unconscious to the surface….stay tuned to learn more on this
Melina
10 Jul 2020I agree that it is definitely important to think about those beliefs you grew up learning that can hurt you in your career. As a child, you sometimes are taught to never complain but in a job setting this can actually hurt you because you may be afraid to speak up in a certain situation.
Alexandra
10 Jul 2020I’m curious about how we can help direct reports identify how their belief systems may be impacting their day-to-day work life. Or how managers can be sensitive to their direct reports’ belief systems when correcting poor behavior.
admin
10 Jul 2020when you see a DR doing something that causes problems, in a very gentle and supportive way use inquiry techniques to have them tell you how they saw the situation and why they made the choices they made. Probe gently. You will probably uncover a self-limiting belief that blocked a better choice. Using gentle advocacy, help them see another path and perhaps help them understand that their self-limiting belief made it hard for them to take the best course of action.