Self-Awareness or as we frame it – discerning what makes you unique – is essential to success in life for some clear reasons. In my work at Columbia University’s High Impact Leadership program executives frequently tell me that they make a lot of money but do not enjoy their work. Also, my graduate and undergraduate students often tell me that they chose their major without much real understanding of what they should do after they graduate. We can do better on both fronts but it requires some deeper thinking about our social context and ourselves.
Reid Hoffman the founder of LinkedIn said – “The best career has you pursuing worthy aspirations, using your assets, while navigating the market realities.”It is helpful to expand on Hoffman’s notion by understanding the underlying psychology and sociology. Robert Hogan, one of the foremost personality psychologists in the world, suggested that all humans need to achieve two goals in life and that a failure to achieve them will create existential stress. The two goals are: 1) to get ahead and 2) to get along. By getting ahead Hogan means to achieve some place of status in whatever social hierarchy we live within. Having zero status puts us at the lowest levels of any social hierarchy and leaves us with little power and influence over the quality of our lives. By getting along Hogan means that all of us must establish some level of harmonious relations among our social tribes. Humans are not wired to exist in isolation and so we must all find ways to fit into some extent. We will deal with the challenge of fitting in later in part 2 of this blog theme but let’s at least now recognize that this is tricky because when you get ahead, people will get jealous and so it requires some social skill to also fit in. We see this drive for social status at play in the career development office when everyone signs up for a chance to interview in the hottest industries and companies.
So how do we figure out how to get ahead and increase our social status? This is a simple idea but gets complicated in the execution. Very simply, we increase our status when the social hierarchy values us. Charities and governments fortunately help the unemployed, but the programmer at the tech firm or the doctor at the hospital are afforded more value by society and this increases their income and influence over their lives. This comes from work in psychology and sociology concerning how societies do work not how they should work (this is the domain of moral philosophy). As Jordan Peterson (12 Rules for Life) and others have written, all societies have hierarchies and it is generally better to be closer to the top than the bottom if you want to have influence over your life.
At first blush this all sounds very unattractive. You have to get others to like and value you so that you can get resources and gain the help of the tribe – very externally controlled. But deeper thinking on this topic helps us understand how to work out this problem. The real goal should be for us to figure out who we are, what we are good at and use that to develop a plan to get ahead and get along. If we do that then we are pursuing our intrinsic motivations while achieving the two things that can help us live well within the social structures we are all affected by. So for example, after I graduated from Wharton with my MBA, I worked as a product manager for General Foods but later got a Phd. and became a Professor because it was a better fit with what I was good at and loved to do. This journey to Professor required me to discern who I was and what I could offer others that would create value.
Visually it looks like this
A really good place to start in achieving is to uncover who you are: motives, interests, strengths, personality, values, and beliefs. Armed with this insight, we can make choices to put ourselves jobs where we add unique value and increase our status and influence over our lives. Without clear discernment of who we are, we get lost trying to get ahead and get along.
qiwei
7 Jul 2020I have been trying to understand myself, I think when I try to communicate more with others, I get to know myself better. I can see my strength and weakness through conversations with others, in order to improve myself.
admin
9 Jul 2020deep and meaningful conversations is a great way to understand yourself and understand another person…we will try to make this happen
Margaret
8 Jul 2020I would like to further unpack the venn diagram presented here: What I’m good at, What I love, and What is valued by society… I think this is a super important area to be able to define. Generally, I think that those who are concerned with being viewed as successful tend to weigh what’s valued in society more heavily than the other two. I’d like to discuss the balance of each of these three dimensions.
admin
9 Jul 2020let’s do that
Cristian
8 Jul 2020As we go more global and digital, I am very curious about how we can apply this approach. Both globalization and digitalization although opens up many opportunities, it also brings challenges in getting ahead (more people to compete and influence) and getting along (less human interaction and different cultures to navigate through)
Marissa
9 Jul 2020I appreciated how Hogan noted that success is relative to a person’s specific social structure. My mom has a small part-time job but has “status” within our family structure and within her social circle. Her success looks different from my success, but it makes her happy and it’s valued by society. I think that ties in with the other post on anxiety and depression. When we become overly anxious about making the right choices, it’s important to remember that there are many models of success and that it’s unique to each person and each social structure.
admin
9 Jul 2020Many models of success, yes! But isn’t it the case that part of our socialization includes shrinking the choice set and we can get trapped into valuing models that society values but that deep down we do not.
Paul
9 Jul 2020While not fully mutually exclusive, I can certainly relate to the friction between the concepts of getting ahead and getting along. Finding the balance is hard but I’m glad Hogan does not abandon the latter because in practice, often people do.
Hayley
9 Jul 2020I do believe that people prioritize trying to get ahead in life as well as getting along with others. This holds in the U.S., where individualism is promoted. People focus on themselves and value success. The U.S. emphasizes the American dream where individuals want upward mobility in their job to acquire wealth to support their families. To achieve these ideals, it does require people to get along with others. If people don’t like you and find you difficult to work with, then it will be harder for an individual to succeed.
admin
9 Jul 2020agree, good insight
Nicholas
9 Jul 2020The ideas of being able to get ahead and get along are pivotal to human development in our society. I think they require different set of skills and while can be accomplished independently, truly successful people are able to do both at the same time.
Anonymous
9 Jul 2020My first thought when reading this was: why do high school guidance counselors not sit with seniors who are applying to colleges and complete a Hogan Assessment with them and at least point out a handful of majors that seem like good fits? (maybe this is commonplace but it didn’t seem to be at my high school). This seems like such a simple, yet potentially impactful gesture. Secondly, what does one do when what one is good at, enjoys and values is not likely to translate into a decent-paying job? How do you balance the happiness from a job that is a good fit with the unhappiness that may come with having not “gotten ahead”?
admin
9 Jul 2020agree but most are not trained to do this, their incentive is not for you to be happy but to get you into a college and what you are suggesting would be very valuable but take a good deal of time. The system is set up for the counselor, not the student.
Jay
9 Jul 2020The ideals of getting ahead and getting along remind me of an article I read about a Harvard study in which a psychologist determined there are two factors by which we judge other in first impressions: warmth and competence. “Can I trust this person?” and “Do I respect this person?” are the two associated questions we internally ask. It makes sense that what we are assessing in others is also what we strive for in ourselves. I associate the ability to “get along” with warmth and the ability to “get ahead” with competence.
admin
10 Jul 2020you have made a great and interesting connection here with other perspectives
Holly
10 Jul 2020How difficult is it to determine and reach that sweet spot? When is the best time (if there is one) to do that? When will finding that sweet spot lead you to succeed and help you find that gratification you may have been searching for?
admin
10 Jul 2020it is hard. It takes getting very clear about your motive profile (values and passions) and your signature strengths. Best time I would say is late 20’s into mid 30’s. This is the period when most people are engaging in trial and error to find their lane
Melina
10 Jul 2020I agree with the above that i think that it is important to learn these things about yourself early on. Sometimes you don’t realize that you don’t like something until you go out into the real world and do it. Many people may be weary to pick up and leave their jobs even if they are miserable because they don’t want to commit to the added money and time of trying out a new career path.